August 11./

Well, I’m official without a home now! I had my move-out inspection this morning. Funny to think that I’ve been stressed for the last few weeks about it. I paid for a cleaner and I was still nervous that I’d have a crazy person inspecting my window sills for dust. Oh well, I tend to worry too much about these things.

After I turned in my keys, I felt a lot of stress shift off my shoulders. I didn’t realize how angsty I was about the inspection. I snagged a sandwich for lunch and spent the afternoon re-reading “Promises” by Marie Sexton.

I’ll be honest, usually I’m turned off by straight women writing gay novels. It feels weird in some ways. But after a suggestion by Alistair, I decided to try it out. I read the whole book in two sittings. It was really good. Now I’m re-reading through it.

I know that I should be trying to enjoy my last few days in Hawaii but I’ve felt so exhausted. I just want to lay in bed all day and read.

Fortunately, some buddies wanted to grab dinner and a couple beers. I managed to make it out of my hotel room for a little bit. Oh, and I sold my car this afternoon. Tomorrow morning, I’m running to the DMV to finish the paperwork.

Only 3 more days until I fly out!

Tomorrow my Grandma is having surgery. I know that there aren’t many people reading this but if you could send good vibes her directions, I’d be endlessly appreciative. Hopefully everything goes smooth.

Write again soon,

Mav

August 10./

It’s strange that in a few days, I’ll no longer live in Hawaii. This place has become my home. I remember the way the island smelled when I first stepped off the plane. The air was thick and it smelled like the ocean. It was almost exactly five years ago. Now I sit in my hotel room and wait until I fly to Biloxi on Friday.

Today I woke up in my hotel room and realized that I had maintenance guys showing up at my house on the other side of town. For some reason, I thought they were coming in the afternoon. Anyways, I rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes, and brushed my teeth in about 5 strokes.

I woke up about 5 minutes before they were suppose to arrive and my hotel is about 30 minutes away. Needless to say, that way the quickest I’ve driven in a while and I’m lucky they showed up late.

Despite the fact that I’m leaving in a couple days, it feels like there are so much left to do. The movers came last week, my job transfer paperwork just finished processing, the cleaners worked on the apartment after the movers left. It’s been go go go for a while now.

It feels like I should be trying to enjoy my last few days living in Hawaii – but honestly I’m exhausted. I come back to my hotel in Waikiki in the afternoon and just feel like laying in bed. After five years of living here, I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything.

After the maintenance guys left, I stopped by work and finished some paperwork. I picked up a smoothie and drove across town to my favorite greek restaurant. Today was a very busy slow day.

Lately, I’ve been digging through my old hard drives and finding pictures. Here were a few of the artsy ones I made last time I was in Biloxi (2013):

 

That’s enough for today. Wish my luck on my move out inspection tomorrow!

July 28./

Lately I’ve felt too filled with fluff. It seems like I go through cycles of this. Every couple years, I feel like running out of the back door of my life and moving to Greenland. Maybe the snowy hills have the cure?

Two years ago, I started the slow walk out of a relationship that I didn’t want to end. The romance had consumed half of my twenties and I was left with a lot of unanswered questions.

My partner started another relationship shortly after we split and got married a few months later. They opened their relationship and it felt like every guy I met had slept with them. Although it wasn’t true, I felt claustrophobic. It seemed like every where I went, I ran into him.

Most of last year was an emotional mess. I searched for answers in any way that I could. I read books. I slept with couples. I hooked up and did a lot that I wouldn’t ever do again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the questions were never going to be answered. In fact, I wasn’t looking for answers. I was just holding onto him. As long as I was searching, my life was still about him.

Fast forward to today, I’m preparing to move across the country. Where I’m going, we don’t have any mutual friends.

It’s unsurprising that I want to tear down the foundations of my life and start new. For the first time, it feels like the questions are about me and what I want. I’m reevaluating who’s currently in my life and what direction I want to go.

Although Greenland doesn’t sound like a bad place, I think I’ll prefer my actual destination of Florida. Doesn’t have quite the isolated charm though, does it?

July 26./

It feels weird to write again. I’m filled with words for the first time in a long time. We’ll start with introductions and see where that takes us.

It’s been a while. I feel like I need a fresh start. You can call me Mav. I’m 26 years old and living in Honolulu. I’ve been on island for five years. My time here is finishing and I’m getting ready to move again.

For the last year, I’ve spent as much time as I could in the mountains. I love waterfalls and views of the island. I’ll probably be posting a lot of pictures of them.

In many ways it feels like blogging is a dead art. The world is filled with images and 15 second videos. Those are fine but I want to dive back into writing. There’s something magical about words.

If anyone is out there, feel free to say hello.