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“His body interlaced with mine. Arms reached around my chest and held me lightly. It was almost with ease that our bodies melded together. Our breathing synchronized. With every inhale, I felt us collectively expanding. At every exhale, we diminished back into ourselves. His legs tangled with mine. Our feet meshed to a pile. The weight of his body held comfort, warmth, something I forgot feeling. I wanted to hold that. Bear some of his weight. Let it twist itself into my being. I wanted to feel his arms around me.”

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Not everything in this project is going to be created the same day it’s released.

Now.

You know how when you dream you only experience the important details. Think about it for a moment. Do you ever remember walking out to the car, step by step? Or how about unlocking a door and setting your things down after a long day at work? When we dream, we tend to skip the menial tasks. Sure, we take a few steps towards the car but then we skip all the way to opening the car door and so on. Those moments are forgettable anyways. You’ve walked here to there 10,000 times in your lifetime, why would you waste a thought on it.

In fact, we do the same thing in our waking life. We go into a zombie mode when we’re doing simple tasks. There’s no use in being aware of every step we take. You’ve been walking your entire life anyways and you’ll be doing it until you’re dead.

But these moments are the most important. After a long day at work, you walk out to your balcony and lean against the edge. You take a deep breath in and sigh. You see the world in front of you but you’re not living it, you’re not taking it in. That beautiful fucking world is in your eyes. It’s staring at you. But you let it slip away. These moments aren’t worth remembering anyways.

A year later you’ll look back. It was leaning against that balcony that characterized your life. After working a shitty job and coming home in an equally shitty mood, you could let go. It was your relief. That stupid railing where you’d kick your feet and think about how you’d have to go back to work the next day. How you’d imagine a day when you could come home happy.

It’s not the grand moments that make your life. You’ll never find meaning winning the lottery or getting that promotion. You can keep fantasizing though. The true moments, the ones that you’ll look back on and long to relive, are the moments that you forget. They are walking out to your car in the crisp but way-too-fucking-cold mornings or commuting to work. Yes you always got stuck in traffic and you were always 1 minute from being late to work but you always got there. You always made it through.

Remember that when we dream, we skip these details. There isn’t any purpose to them. Why walk when you could just teleport to wherever you want to go. We want life to be in the great moments, Friday night when you go downtown or taking a vacation, but that’s not where life is.

Where it is is right here. It’s right in your goddamn face. It’s you reading these words sitting on your chair/bed/couch. The soundtrack to your life is what you hear right now. It’s the sound of a noisy air conditioning unit or neighbors who never seem to sleep. It’s not a carefully composed symphony. It is what you hear now and it’s happening right in front of you.

I can’t make you to pay attention to it but I want you to know that your life isn’t somewhere in the future. It’s not far away. Nor is it in the past before your horrible life happened. Life is breathing against your nose. It’s pressed its goddamn fingers to your chest and saying “wake up”, “pay attention”, “stop dreaming your life away”.

All you can do is gaze past it. There’s something more interesting over there. You don’t even know where “there” is but it’s definitely not here. It’s definitely not part of your life and you’ll spend your entire life chasing after what you think would make it better. Stop it. Stop making yourself miserable. Stop chasing. Stop searching. It’s right here. It’s right now. Walk to your car. Lean against your balcony. It’s as simple as that. Do everything completely and totally. Don’t let your attention escape. Notice every footstep and breath. Pay attention. Your life is happen now.

Men with Fire in their Eyes

Last year I wrote a poem called “fire” on my old blog. It was created immediately before starting this 365 project and perhaps it was a catalyst to begin writing. At the time, I was deprived of the artist community. I lived with no creators and had no one to talk about art with. I was lonesome and wanted someone to understand me. Here’s the poem:

“I want to see
men with fire in their eyes
blinded with their passion
lost in it

consumed by it
they forget
or maybe they remember
time is nothing to them

nothing has value
all is equal
it’s worth
ten thousands pounds of gold
or a single piece of coal

the fire that burns in them
doesn’t run on fuel
it breaths
and with every exhale
they consume themselves again

i want to see men with passion
and fire in their eyes”

I feel silly sharing this part of myself but I feel like everything I create is a piece of who I am. To remove this from my blog or to un-publish it would be to remove part of myself. I am definitely not a poet.

However, I do believe that what we want most from the world is what we desire most inside of ourselves. When we seek a funny or adventurous mate, we’re really seeking those traits inside of ourselves. We want to be funny or we want to be adventurous. Instead of finding it within ourself, we look to others for their traits.

When I wrote this, I wanted passion. I wanted to look myself in the mirror and see someone who was dedicated to his craft, who was defiant and brilliant at the same time. In many of my other posts at the time, I wrote about trying to find inexhaustible inspiration. I was looking for myself.

I wrote about wanted to see people with fire in their eyes. With such strong desire to create and with utter confidence. Those words couldn’t define me in November. It’s taken a year to become that person with fire in his eyes. I love creating. It’s an inexhaustible passion.

Looking back, there are things that only time can change. I wanted to become a passionate person – and the 365 project was a path towards it. By forcing myself to write daily, I found the men with fire in their eyes, it was inside of myself. No where else. I had to find that. This poem was just a reflection of that desire.

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Some days I wondered if the night could consume me and spit me back into the sunshine. Emotions flooded me but I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to solve this mess. If I spent enough time I could think of the right thing to say. If only the mind worked so easily.

Seek

It is the movers that change the world, those who take action. The man who wanders the world in search of himself is one step closer to finding what he’s looking for. Not because he searches the world but because he seeks. It is the him who takes action that will shape the world.

Lose your inhibitions and openly seek. Inside, outside, and anywhere you can think. The world is only as grand as you make it and, darling, there’s only so much time. If you don’t act now, when will you? Go out and meet the world. Feel grass on your feet and sun on your skin. Be alive with the Earth and seek, darling, seek.

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I wish I could put into words what the last six months have been. I wish I could explain the feelings I’ve felt and the friends I’ve loved. The exhaustion of getting up before dawn. I wish I could transcribe the feelings out side of my reach and the mental chaos I was. What it means to stop functions and to break down. I wish I could put into words how lost I’ve felt and how I’ve made it through these times. I wish I could sit in bed with you and talk for hours about how you get this light in your eyes that I will never tire of. I wish more than anything to make my mind tangible. To lay it out in front of me and show the world what I am.

Impressions

Meeting new people is an exhilaration; it’s something new and uncontrolled. You don’t know what that person is going to be like or who they are. In that moment of conception, you are a blank slate. You have no meaning.

From there, strikes at the clay define what the relationship is. How you see each other – how they see you.

The slate cannot be built upon, only removed from. Impressions cannot be taken back or words unsaid. The sculpture remains and the interactions left in front of your face.

But much like art, we don’t look with sober eyes at the piece in front of us. We don’t see what is truly there. We look for the meaning behind each curve and the way the light gleams on it. We see depths where another sees nothing.

Each emotion further blinds sight. And with each passing moment, the slate alters in different directions. Taking on new shape and becoming more dynamic. With each passing thought, the sight is obscured even more.

Therefore we must look with eyes unscathed, at the piece which stands in front of us. We must cut through and feel what is in front of us. Remove the meaning and leave the feeling.

Each introduction is fresh. It is the beginning of what could be a beautiful masterpiece or a pile of clay. So take a breath and feel the art that is in front of you. Take everything in and let yourself go into the art of it all. Meeting new people is an exhilaration that you only get once with a person – breath it all in and let go.

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