What are your intentions?

When was the last time you waited around for someone to make the move? When was the last time you fantasized about the perfect moment leaping out in front of you? In our minds we clearly communicate our intentions to the world and expect everyone to constantly catch our drift. The difficulty is that our communication is often completely unclear.

It’s easy to think of a time when you said something and it was completely misinterpreted. That’s because we dodge around words and expect people to pick up hints. By dressing sexy we think that someone else will understand our intentions and react to them. By dragging a sentence, we think we communicate that we’re depressed. When someone doesn’t understand us, our mind goes crazy trying to interpret what the other person is thinking.

Did he just smile about what I said or is he smiling at me? Why does she keep looking me directly in the eyes? Is she into me? We need to reform our communication so we can stop wasting so much time other thinking possibilities.

Two weeks ago I wrote about kissing a questioning guy. Much of what I struggled with for the following days was based on a lack of communication. When I saw him and he didn’t talk to me, my mind would go off on how he probably was embarrassed or disliked me. Then he’d speak to me and my mind would suddenly think that he wanted to be friends again.

There was a huge disconnect between my mind and what was actually happening. In my mind, I became consumed in trying to figure it all out. He may as well have been saying what I was thinking because in my head I was equating his actions with verbally saying them. That was where everything had went wrong. He never actually said anything. There was no communication. It wasn’t possible to know what he wanted because he never said what he wanted.

That night we spent 7 hours hanging out and talking in my room. 7 freakin’ hours. That was how bad our communication was. How much confusion and time could we have saved if we had clearly communicated our intentions? How much stress could we have resolved afterwards?

We spend too much of our time trying to be coy about our actions and hoping that someone picks up our intentions. We hope that opportunities will just present themselves easily. Well everybody, our lives are way too short and way too stressful to wait around for others to pick up on our hints.

Most of our problems with other people center around a lack of communication. By speaking directly to them, or cutting to the chase, we can eliminate a lot of time and stress. We should be more unapologetic about our communication and actively try to clarify any mis-communications. By being direct, we can avoid spending excess time trying to examine all the details and pick up on any potential hints.

A new goal of mine is to communicate myself more directly. By clarifying my intentions, hopefully I’ll be more realistic with my friendships and relationship. I hope that you will also try to communicate more clearly.

In the comments below, tell me about a miscommunication that you’ve had with someone else? What do you think could have solved the problem? Did you think too much about it?



Some follow-up Advice

Yesterday I wrote about kissing a questioning guy and unfortunately my head was preoccupied with it most of today. I struggle in my own life with wanting to give advice to people who don’t want advice – instead of speaking in person I’ve decided to just write it down here and express it. Maybe this will clear my head.


To start, I want you to acknowledge that I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, bisexual, whatever. This is just me expressing advice I can give from struggling with my own sexual and gender identity.

1. You don’t have to have yourself all figured out. It’s okay to have things remained undefined and it’s fine to not know. You don’t have to be on a quest to define who you are for the world. Just be yourself and do what comes naturally.

2. There’s no rush and no need to worry about it. Everything falls into place eventually and only you can decide what you want to do. Don’t let pressure or society push you around. You can be gay, you could be straight, it doesn’t matter. You don’t even have to label it. You are whatever you are and that’s perfectly fine.

3. Everyone needs to stop caring what everyone else thinks. It doesn’t matter what they think; the only thing that matters is what you think. That being said, the voice in your head that’s constantly telling you that you’re right or wrong needs to be silenced. Most people struggle with the criticism that other people give but everyone struggles with their own self-criticism.

4. I don’t know your life story but I know that you’re just trying to figure stuff out for yourself. Whatever you come up with is your solution – there’s nothing wrong about it. Who is anyone to say that you are wrong? You are just who you are.

I can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong but that’s on my end in my head. Whatever it is you come up with, I hope you find happiness and resolution. It’s frustrating not being able to talk and express this in person but I can’t speak to someone who doesn’t want to be spoken to.

Remember that you can make everything up as you go along. Life is a journey and it’s not about the destination – it’s about where you are right now in this moment. Find that peace and happiness will surely follow.


Kissing a Questioning Guy

Over this past weekend I kissed a guy who was questioning his sexuality. He is the first guy I’ve ever met who is questioning – and obviously the first one I’ve kissed. This has had its fun and pitfalls, and I’m here to share them with you.

Exploring with a questioner can be exciting – you get to help them dig into their sexuality. There haven’t been a lot of experiences to wear in how everything should work and this can make things feel more fresh. It’s also a chance to look at your own sexuality and focus on what you like as well.

Sexuality is not a rigid wall that cannot be penetrated or surpassed; it is something that can be explored endlessly. You may like this or find yourself wanting that instead – and all of that is fine. You may like some guys and only a few girls. You may like kissing girls but only like getting rough with men. Each person is different and it can be pleasurable just to explore through it.

By being with a person who is questioning, it can cause you to look at yourself and the rigidity you’ve placed on your own sexuality. Are you becoming too worn into the how you date or how you kiss? Maybe this opens your eyes to that rigidity. Trying new things can help bring life back into your sexuality.

There are also a lot of pitfalls in messing around with someone who doesn’t know their sexuality. The other person may not even end up liking you or your gender. You could get really into someone and not get that returned. People who don’t know their sexuality can be emotional about it because they are trying to figure it all out.

When someone is questioning, they are questioning! This, by definition, means that they don’t know exactly what they are into. When you get with them, there is a huge possibility that you’ll be the person that shows them what they aren’t into.

The difficulty with this is that we become emotionally involved and when someone figures out that they don’t like our gender, we take it personally. “Maybe I didn’t represent men well enough” or “Maybe I’m really bad at kissing”. We take it as them rejecting us as humans but it’s more of them figuring it out for themselves.

Think of it like you’re wandering through the produce section of a grocery and you see some exotic fruits. On the outside they may be odd looking, great looking, different, but more importantly they may be intriguing. Just because you are intrigued by that fruit doesn’t mean that you’re going to like it. Other people may like it, but it’s different for each person. If you kiss a questioning person and they don’t like it, it could be just that they don’t like that kind of fruit!

When we try a new food we go into unsure of how we’re going to react. We look at it and maybe get an aroma from it but we’re ultimately unsure of whether we’ll spit it out or get another serving. After experimenting, a questioning person reacts very similar to that. They may make a sour face or smile from the taste of it.

Since we don’t know how they’re going to react we have to make sure we understand that it’s not us. Their reaction isn’t to us, it’s the overall response. They walked in unsure how they were going to respond and you have to accept whatever their response is.

Emotionally this can be very difficult because not all people are blessed/cursed with knowing what they’re into. Some people will react horribly with a huge dramatic response, while other may just shrug it off. Make sure to be supportive of whatever they think. Remember they are exploring, and you are just supporting them in it.

Don’t get me wrong, it can be a lot of fun experiment but it can also be emotionally exhausting. We invest ourselves into everything we do and we aren’t able to control the response. You could potentially have a lot of fun or you could take things personally if things go south (ha).

Remember that your sexuality isn’t rigid either – the exploration can be on both sides. This weekend I got to explore my sexuality and mess around with a really cool guy. I had a lot of fun getting to know him but it brought up questions about my own sexuality and how I define myself.

This weekend and blog post is a testament to taking things personally. We both explored ourselves and I was into him but he wasn’t into me. I took things personally at first but I’ve thought about it more today. Sexuality isn’t rigid and no one else can control it. Have fun exploring yourself and other people. Just keep in mind that it’s only exploration and it doesn’t have to be anything more than that.

Hope you all had a great weekend! Sorry for such short posts this past week and then a really long one! Ha, I wish I had more exciting things to talk about lately! I’ve just been really busy! Moving to Charleston next month! I’ll write you soon!


P.S. Only 300 more days to go!