Gays Hating on Gays

Last month Jake Bley wrote about an unusual topic that he said “REALLY needs discussion”. It’s something that I’ve shrugged off for a long time but I want to bring it to the forefront of your mind. Gay discrimination by other gay men is a huge problem in our society. We look at minorities and say it’s incorrect to discriminate based on race, gender, sexual orientation (et cetera) but disregard when the minority attacks itself.

If you look at the African-American community, we know what words aren’t acceptable to use. So why does the community itself use them? Why is it that men can’t mock a woman’s body, but other women can? The same double standards holds true in the gay community: it’s seen as politically incorrect to call a feminine gay a “fag”… unless it’s by another gay. Then it’s seen as acceptable because that person is part of the same group.

Jake wrote in his article that he “was accused of being one of those homosexuals that ‘are the reason all the other homosexuals get a bad reputation’.”

As a member of the gay community it’s frustrating to me that we choose to discriminate against each other even though we don’t want to be discriminated against. How can we expect to be treated fairly if we go around calling others “fags” or “fems”? The gays who are effeminate or who don’t fit the masculine stereotype do not give you a bad name: other people give you a bad name.

The effeminate guy has nothing to do with it. If you’re gay and have a quarrel with the discrimination you’re receiving, it’s not those gays you’re worried about discriminating against you, it’s the other people. Basically you’re misplacing your frustration because it’s not overtly feminine guy who’s discriminating against you, it’s somebody else. Since we cannot stop the discrimination ourselves, it’s easier to blame the minority. Basically we stoop to our discriminator’s levels when we blame others in our group. Nobody deserves to be discriminated against.

This whole discussion begs the question: why do we have this gay-on-gay hatred in our community?

While there is no idea that is all-encompassing on this subject, I personally believe that it stems from the gay community’s struggle to accept itself.

I think a lot of the gay community struggles with accepting itself because we still hold onto the belief that being gay and living the “American Dream” aren’t compatible. In my opinion, this struggle leads people to blame and hatred. We think that it’s the gays fault for acting feminine and their fault for getting made fun of. We struggle with losing the white picket fence and blame it on something we think someone can control. The truth in the matter is that nobody else causes your discrimination.

Deep down we don’t care if somebody else is feminine or masculine. It has nothing to do with us anyways. Being gay has nothing to do with masculinity or femininity. If we don’t like guys who play video games, we just don’t hang around them. We don’t blame them for liking video games, it’s out of their control. If you don’t like feminine guys, that’s fine. Just don’t blame them for being feminine or causing discrimination, it’s out of their control.

I hope that you’ve taken a minute to think about this subject. It doesn’t make sense for a minority to discriminate against itself and it’s not cool. It doesn’t matter if you’re part of the group or not, discrimination is discrimination regardless of who’s doing it. Don’t be hatin’ on each other! The world is a wonderful place and we need to end this gay-on-gay discrimination.

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Closets are for clothes…

Do any of you all know? What keeps you in the closet? Let’s have a genuine conversation about it! We’re all looking for the same thing – happiness. So as Russ says “let’s get together to solve problems”.

Getting out and being yourself is the only way to actualization. How can you possibly be the best version of you if you are ingenuine? If you always have to put on a mask just to go out in public, are you really living life?

In the comments below, tell me why you’re in the closet or why you think people stay in the closet!

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Kissing a Questioning Guy

Over this past weekend I kissed a guy who was questioning his sexuality. He is the first guy I’ve ever met who is questioning – and obviously the first one I’ve kissed. This has had its fun and pitfalls, and I’m here to share them with you.

Exploring with a questioner can be exciting – you get to help them dig into their sexuality. There haven’t been a lot of experiences to wear in how everything should work and this can make things feel more fresh. It’s also a chance to look at your own sexuality and focus on what you like as well.

Sexuality is not a rigid wall that cannot be penetrated or surpassed; it is something that can be explored endlessly. You may like this or find yourself wanting that instead – and all of that is fine. You may like some guys and only a few girls. You may like kissing girls but only like getting rough with men. Each person is different and it can be pleasurable just to explore through it.

By being with a person who is questioning, it can cause you to look at yourself and the rigidity you’ve placed on your own sexuality. Are you becoming too worn into the how you date or how you kiss? Maybe this opens your eyes to that rigidity. Trying new things can help bring life back into your sexuality.

There are also a lot of pitfalls in messing around with someone who doesn’t know their sexuality. The other person may not even end up liking you or your gender. You could get really into someone and not get that returned. People who don’t know their sexuality can be emotional about it because they are trying to figure it all out.

When someone is questioning, they are questioning! This, by definition, means that they don’t know exactly what they are into. When you get with them, there is a huge possibility that you’ll be the person that shows them what they aren’t into.

The difficulty with this is that we become emotionally involved and when someone figures out that they don’t like our gender, we take it personally. “Maybe I didn’t represent men well enough” or “Maybe I’m really bad at kissing”. We take it as them rejecting us as humans but it’s more of them figuring it out for themselves.

Think of it like you’re wandering through the produce section of a grocery and you see some exotic fruits. On the outside they may be odd looking, great looking, different, but more importantly they may be intriguing. Just because you are intrigued by that fruit doesn’t mean that you’re going to like it. Other people may like it, but it’s different for each person. If you kiss a questioning person and they don’t like it, it could be just that they don’t like that kind of fruit!

When we try a new food we go into unsure of how we’re going to react. We look at it and maybe get an aroma from it but we’re ultimately unsure of whether we’ll spit it out or get another serving. After experimenting, a questioning person reacts very similar to that. They may make a sour face or smile from the taste of it.

Since we don’t know how they’re going to react we have to make sure we understand that it’s not us. Their reaction isn’t to us, it’s the overall response. They walked in unsure how they were going to respond and you have to accept whatever their response is.

Emotionally this can be very difficult because not all people are blessed/cursed with knowing what they’re into. Some people will react horribly with a huge dramatic response, while other may just shrug it off. Make sure to be supportive of whatever they think. Remember they are exploring, and you are just supporting them in it.

Don’t get me wrong, it can be a lot of fun experiment but it can also be emotionally exhausting. We invest ourselves into everything we do and we aren’t able to control the response. You could potentially have a lot of fun or you could take things personally if things go south (ha).

Remember that your sexuality isn’t rigid either – the exploration can be on both sides. This weekend I got to explore my sexuality and mess around with a really cool guy. I had a lot of fun getting to know him but it brought up questions about my own sexuality and how I define myself.

This weekend and blog post is a testament to taking things personally. We both explored ourselves and I was into him but he wasn’t into me. I took things personally at first but I’ve thought about it more today. Sexuality isn’t rigid and no one else can control it. Have fun exploring yourself and other people. Just keep in mind that it’s only exploration and it doesn’t have to be anything more than that.

Hope you all had a great weekend! Sorry for such short posts this past week and then a really long one! Ha, I wish I had more exciting things to talk about lately! I’ve just been really busy! Moving to Charleston next month! I’ll write you soon!

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P.S. Only 300 more days to go!