Oct. 19/ Forgive Me

Nights like tonight I can’t sleep. I’m haunted at the last year and I can’t get it out of my head. I’m forced to relive moment by moment what happened. It starts with an younger version of me swimming in a pool everyday. I feel all of the last year in the pinhead of a needle. There isn’t room to breathe it all in because there’s so much that’s happened. I can’t refine it into single pieces. It’s all of it – at once. This insanity ensues and I find myself holding my knees in my bed and gasping for breath often. I can’t contain it, it’s too much.

One day it starts, and I’m living some part of the year. I can’t start there, it’s not the beginning, so it rewinds even further… back to the pool. The nausea of driving to the recruiter in the mall. Failing Broadcast journalism. Driving to Milwaukee and meeting with Greg for the first time in years. Walking around the mall with him. There isn’t a way to filter the details from the overall message. I feel the details and I can’t hold them all. There’s only so much mental room. It’s like I don’t have enough RAM and the memories lags.

Meeting Blake, relaxing with Caleb at Basic, Keesler, and Sheppard. The feeling of the October wind in Texas. It’s too much, god it’s too much. Sobbing at the pet fair in Biloxi. Walking at the ocean. Meeting others. Moving. I’m holding all the details and at a loss. I’m trying to contemplate the entire ocean, every crest and wave break. Each drop and the darkest depths. I feel its motion inside me and I’m entranced. There is too much to hold onto and not enough to let go of.

Photography vs. Painting

As a photographer with incredibly restricted conditions I’ve recently moved into the field of painting. It was something that I’ve wanted to start at for years but never actually got myself into. It was too time consuming and I never had the patience to finish through a product. Without models, locations, and time to go places, I’ve started drawing from memory. The instant gratification of taking a photo is totally different than painting every detail into a painting. Where in photography the details were important but I didn’t have to track each individual piece. Now when I paint I have to think about it’s texture, it’s true shape, and many other things. It’s amazing how many details I’ve been looking passed in my life. For example my paintings of humans are often distorted. In photography I didn’t have to worry about that because the camera took the moment as it actually was. Now I’m the one who has to convey each detail painstakingly onto a canvas. I won’t go incredibly far into detail but painting is it’s own beast. Something I’m just starting into. Maybe I’ll crank out a painting tomorrow and post it for all of you to see! Who knows. Anyways it’s 3 Am! Have a wonderful night!

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