The Death of Creativity / Day 39 of 365

Back in 2012, I was a creative super-machine. I finished a 365 project the year prior and had just bought my dream camera. It seemed like every week I was doing something crazy and new. I regularly dragged friends into frozen creeks, through stinging nettles, and into the wild recesses of my world. My camera lived on my shoulder and, like my mind, it was always fully charged.

I vividly remember having a late night conversation with Jake back then. He was one of the first artists that I was close to – and the one who really pushed me to create, no matter what crazy ideas I had. Our conversations usually centered around critiquing art that the other had made.

On this particular night, I was really pushing Jake to start blogging. Beyond consuming my life with photography, I had bloomed into blogging. It was almost October and I was participating in an annual ‘Blogtober’. I’ll never forget what Jake said to me that night;

“There’s so much stuff already out there already – I don’t want to contribute to the noise.”

Jake is about 5 years my senior and, unlike me, had been creating across every medium. I knew him as a photographer, a sculptor, a painter – one of the first interactions I had with him was at a church over-nighter. We went bowling and I spent the night talking with him. As we talked, he took out his sketchbook and drew a charcoal picture of me.

I think that artists typically remember their birth into art. This was the beginning for me.

When Jake said he didn’t want to contribute to the noise anymore, it was although I had woken up even though I was already awake. Suddenly I saw noise everywhere. There was too much information out in the world and I became self-conscious.

That was my death.

A weed was planted that night and I’ve spent the last 5 years pulling them up. “Is what I’m creating worth being put out there?” sprung up from the corner of my beautifully cultivated garden. Soon thereafter, “Am I really contributing or just creating junk?”. I wasn’t quick enough to pull these weeds out. I was in deep trouble when the “Am I bothering people by putting my art in front of their faces?” arrived.

Soon the weeds overtook the garden, and although I plant new flowers occasionally, they’re dwarfed by self-consciousness. At 18 years old, I didn’t have the capacity to understand this. I only saw that I was ‘making noise’. That was my creative death.




Just another daily post! (-:

Day Thirty Nine of the Three Hundred and Sixty Five Day Blogging Project. Wow, that look so grand when it’s fully written out! Imagine two hundred days from now! Haha!

After contemplating what to write about tonight I realized that this project has helped me a lot with direction in my life. It hasn’t particularly focused my life like a laser beam but it’s shown me how well I can make things into a habit. It’s also made me a lot more conscious of my life and what I’m doing everyday. Each day I look back at everything I’ve done and I’ve been able to start living my life more fully.

Blogging has shown me how easy I can induce a habit and build towards my goals. It’s not a lot and it’s been rather slow, but I don’t think I would have been able to save the $650 (of $1600) towards Denmark if I didn’t write about it on here. It’s not that blogging forces anything on me, it just brings it into eyesight. Each day I come on here I can see how much money I’ve put towards a goal of mine.

Writing has also helped me build enthusiasm about learning Danish! When you write about something you are passionate about, sometimes your passion grows. Danish for me is an amazing language! It’s so satisfying to speak with my friend from Denmark and to be able to say something in her language and have her understand me. This isn’t a huge thing but I was on the phone with her yesterday and I counted to ten. She said it sounded great and she understood it perfectly. It’s a small step forward but to me, those moments are tremendous. It’s something blogging has helped me focus on.

Blogging has become something that is so habitual that I’ve realized how easy it is to make things a habit. It makes me feel like my dreams are much more attainable because I understand that everything is a work in progress. I don’t need the instant gratification because I get gratification from the process. It will be amazing to fluently speak Danish one day, don’t get me wrong. Right now I am enjoying the learning part of it. All the mistakes and flaws that come with it.

To add into this project I want to spend the next week without sugar. While I know that everything contains sugar, I want to abstain from eating explicitly sugary foods. This includes fruit, and candy, sugary beverages, anything. Yes, yes, I know that white bread is just as sugary as candy but this is just a short project. I want to abstain for the next seven days and see how it works for me. It’s of course a work in project but I want to try it.

I feel more awake, healthier, and more energetic when I’m not consuming sugar. Today I binged on an ice cream bar, half a root beer, a Milky Way, Swedish Fish, and two other candies that I forgot their name. Usually it’s not this bad but I want to eliminate it for the next week. I’m a health nut as everyone around me can attest for. We’ll see how this works!

In addition to removing extra sugars from my diet, I also want to meditate daily for at least 20 minutes for the next two weeks. It’s small but something else I want to focus more on in my life. Meditation helps me when I get stressed out. It’s like installing an auto-defense against depression and anxiety. 20 minutes should be a good starting time for me though!

1/7 Sugarfree

1/14 Daily Meditation (20 minutes)


P.S. My posts for the next week aren’t going to be exclusively about my diet or meditation though. I think that’s just a side project. Maybe I’ll write about during it but I’ll definitely write about it after I’ve completed it!