What’s the Point of the Internet?

Lately I’ve been finding a lack of meaningful content online. When I used to get on the internet as a teenager, I used social media to connect and interact with other people. As I’ve grown older, it seems like I log on to waste time. Instead of building community, I spend most of my time scrolling mindlessly through Facebook.

This is the result of my actions, or neglect of social media. Rather than starting a dialog with others, I’ve focused on expressing myself. I put a ridiculous amount of content online without interacting with my friend’s postings. This makes the internet feel incredibly lonely.

Blogging has become an interesting commodity as a result. It’s a way to express my thoughts and realizations. There isn’t a particular audience. I don’t write to gain readers. Nor do I write to provoke conversation. I blog as a way to express myself and to digest the emotions that I feel.

Yet, I can’t help but feel this space, where I write, has become dull and deprived of interaction. My existence online has similarly become dry. Instead of using social media for two-way communication, I’ve just been tossing new stuff out. It’s seems like all content is no longer meaningful.

Is this good? Is it bad? I don’t know. It just feels like the internet has become stale lately. Maybe I need a hiatus from it all. Maybe it’s me who’s isolating myself. Maybe content feels meaningless lately because I don’t find it useful anymore. It’s probably time to move on to different media.

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Feb. 06/ Advice

Do not dull yourself for this world.

Be you. Let yourself be open. If you love, then love. If you feel happy, then feel happy. You are allowed to feel sad. You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel the way you do. Let yourself feel. This world is full of beautiful and horrible things, let yourself respond to them. You don’t have to conquer every emotion. Allow yourself enough room to really feel an emotion. Let the sads be sad and the happies be happy. Let them sink in.

Speak freely but kindly. Honest words are the best words, as long as they aren’t said to harm another person. What you say has physical reaction. Shouting at someone doesn’t solve the problem. Calling a person a name doesn’t fix the situation. Others will appreciate straightforwardness. Cutting through confusion is sometimes as simple as using less words.

This world is filled with billions of people, yet even a crowded subway can feel lonely. Make friends. Let people in. It’s better to go through life with others, they expand your views and add perspective. While we all crave closeness, often what we actually crave is ourselves. Others can’t fill your need to know yourself. Go out alone. Find when you make yourself happy, then bring that to others. Happiness is best shared. Always love, even when you’re broken. Find it in yourself to care, if not you, then who?

 

Ad Infinitum

It’s been over a month since I completed a writing 365 project. Since then, I’ve only written a couple of articles. The amount of time I spend on this site has dramatically reduced and I want to change that. For an entire year I sat down each day and wrote. Many of the posts were useless and junk but there was consistency.

Yet, doing another 365 project wouldn’t be satisfying. I don’t want to write daily as a goal or a challenge. I want to write simply because I’m passionate about it. There is no visible endpoint to that. I can’t say that I need to write daily for another year because I know that I want to keep writing past that.

There are other artists, whom I admire, that have done 3 or more years of art projects. Their passion is incredible but I feel like I’ve been measuring myself against them. If only I created as often as them, then I will feel content. But this simply isn’t the case. My passion cannot be measured against another’s. Then it’s not true passion, it’s envy or desire to be like them. This is why I cannot do another year of photographing or writing.

That being said, I will be creating more. It won’t always be on this blog either. Sometimes it’ll be taking pictures or YouTube. It may be scribbles on Twitter or a few pictures on Instagram. I can’t promise consistency on any medium but I can say that I will be creating more.

Also, as I sifted through 2014’s blog posts, I realized that I don’t really write about my life. For the most part, I tried to remain relatable to others. What I did write about myself was cryptic. It’s hard to talk about my life sometimes because I’m not sure if other people will understand it. My hardships feel different from other’s.

My perspective on myself changes constantly as well. Some days I feel like I have it figured out. Why I chased after that boy or how volunteering at that one event changed the course of the next six months. Other days I feel like everyone else is smarter than me and I feel like a child in a room full of adults. This makes my writing incredibly inconsistent.

Regardless, it’s important that I write because it makes me work on myself. It challenges me to reach out to other artists, to look at myself from many perspectives, and to focus on accomplishing something. This writing, whether it be hideous or fantastic, is my work. I own it as a piece of me. With that being said, I don’t see an end to creating. It’s like the blood that flows through my veins; coursing through every facet of my body and nourishing my soul.

While I can’t promise where we’ll go or what we’ll do, I hope that you’ll join me. I don’t know who you are or what your intentions are but I hope you choose to share yourself, to be completely you, to be unadulterated, and to share that with the world. That’s my intention with this site and I hope you’ll be here with me.

With that being said, have a wonderful night and I’ll see you again soon!

 

Day 1

Jan. 16/ you

It’s a shame that you cannot see yourself through another’s eyes. The way that your posture changes when you’re nervous or the warm glow in your smile. You almost electrify me when you get excited and god, when your eyes light up I feel invincible. I feel alive when I’m with you but you’ll never get to experience that.

Take a moment to let that sink in. You spend your entire life building who you are. Some people go to the gym to work on their body, others read books, some people travel. You build who you are with every action you take. This person that you’re constantly building, the one that’s so close that you can’t even see them, is the embodiment of you.

Yet, you never fully experience this person that you’re building. You don’t get to see the result of the work. What it’s like to relax with you and lay around on a Sunday. You won’t understand what it feels like to touch your skin or to kiss you.

This is why it’s such a shame. You are your greatest project, the work of your lifetime, something you never stop building until you’re in the grave… and the product is something you don’t get to experience. You can’t see the way that you walk or how you get nervous when there’s too many people around. It’s a tragedy you will never really know yourself.

Now.

You know how when you dream you only experience the important details. Think about it for a moment. Do you ever remember walking out to the car, step by step? Or how about unlocking a door and setting your things down after a long day at work? When we dream, we tend to skip the menial tasks. Sure, we take a few steps towards the car but then we skip all the way to opening the car door and so on. Those moments are forgettable anyways. You’ve walked here to there 10,000 times in your lifetime, why would you waste a thought on it.

In fact, we do the same thing in our waking life. We go into a zombie mode when we’re doing simple tasks. There’s no use in being aware of every step we take. You’ve been walking your entire life anyways and you’ll be doing it until you’re dead.

But these moments are the most important. After a long day at work, you walk out to your balcony and lean against the edge. You take a deep breath in and sigh. You see the world in front of you but you’re not living it, you’re not taking it in. That beautiful fucking world is in your eyes. It’s staring at you. But you let it slip away. These moments aren’t worth remembering anyways.

A year later you’ll look back. It was leaning against that balcony that characterized your life. After working a shitty job and coming home in an equally shitty mood, you could let go. It was your relief. That stupid railing where you’d kick your feet and think about how you’d have to go back to work the next day. How you’d imagine a day when you could come home happy.

It’s not the grand moments that make your life. You’ll never find meaning winning the lottery or getting that promotion. You can keep fantasizing though. The true moments, the ones that you’ll look back on and long to relive, are the moments that you forget. They are walking out to your car in the crisp but way-too-fucking-cold mornings or commuting to work. Yes you always got stuck in traffic and you were always 1 minute from being late to work but you always got there. You always made it through.

Remember that when we dream, we skip these details. There isn’t any purpose to them. Why walk when you could just teleport to wherever you want to go. We want life to be in the great moments, Friday night when you go downtown or taking a vacation, but that’s not where life is.

Where it is is right here. It’s right in your goddamn face. It’s you reading these words sitting on your chair/bed/couch. The soundtrack to your life is what you hear right now. It’s the sound of a noisy air conditioning unit or neighbors who never seem to sleep. It’s not a carefully composed symphony. It is what you hear now and it’s happening right in front of you.

I can’t make you to pay attention to it but I want you to know that your life isn’t somewhere in the future. It’s not far away. Nor is it in the past before your horrible life happened. Life is breathing against your nose. It’s pressed its goddamn fingers to your chest and saying “wake up”, “pay attention”, “stop dreaming your life away”.

All you can do is gaze past it. There’s something more interesting over there. You don’t even know where “there” is but it’s definitely not here. It’s definitely not part of your life and you’ll spend your entire life chasing after what you think would make it better. Stop it. Stop making yourself miserable. Stop chasing. Stop searching. It’s right here. It’s right now. Walk to your car. Lean against your balcony. It’s as simple as that. Do everything completely and totally. Don’t let your attention escape. Notice every footstep and breath. Pay attention. Your life is happen now.

Oct. 19/ Forgive Me

Nights like tonight I can’t sleep. I’m haunted at the last year and I can’t get it out of my head. I’m forced to relive moment by moment what happened. It starts with an younger version of me swimming in a pool everyday. I feel all of the last year in the pinhead of a needle. There isn’t room to breathe it all in because there’s so much that’s happened. I can’t refine it into single pieces. It’s all of it – at once. This insanity ensues and I find myself holding my knees in my bed and gasping for breath often. I can’t contain it, it’s too much.

One day it starts, and I’m living some part of the year. I can’t start there, it’s not the beginning, so it rewinds even further… back to the pool. The nausea of driving to the recruiter in the mall. Failing Broadcast journalism. Driving to Milwaukee and meeting with Greg for the first time in years. Walking around the mall with him. There isn’t a way to filter the details from the overall message. I feel the details and I can’t hold them all. There’s only so much mental room. It’s like I don’t have enough RAM and the memories lags.

Meeting Blake, relaxing with Caleb at Basic, Keesler, and Sheppard. The feeling of the October wind in Texas. It’s too much, god it’s too much. Sobbing at the pet fair in Biloxi. Walking at the ocean. Meeting others. Moving. I’m holding all the details and at a loss. I’m trying to contemplate the entire ocean, every crest and wave break. Each drop and the darkest depths. I feel its motion inside me and I’m entranced. There is too much to hold onto and not enough to let go of.

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Some days I wondered if the night could consume me and spit me back into the sunshine. Emotions flooded me but I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to solve this mess. If I spent enough time I could think of the right thing to say. If only the mind worked so easily.