This blog has become more of a place to write notes and thoughts, rather than organized posts. Most days I’m happy to write and put a few words down but there are times when I don’t want to do it. Last night I had a rough day and today wasn’t a lot better. Still, it’s important to take notes and observes what I’m thinking about. I apologize if you came here expecting grandeur or something different.
Last week I wrote about meditation, and I’ve made many posts about it in the past. To be honest, I haven’t meditated since then. I had a profound experience where I felt very aware of my environment. On an average day, maybe I’m 30% mindful. Well, after that meditation I felt like I was 75% aware. It felt… different. I paid attention to the water as I showered, I could hear the cars buzzing by outside, I really tasted food as I ate it.
When the experience dulled down and my mind turned back up, I felt anxiety. I wanted excitement. I had unrealistic expectations for the meditation and being mindful. I thought it would be delightful and exhilarating. I figured I’d be able to feel each moment with a rush.
Well, that excitement came and passed. I’d experience something fun and it was great. Then when it passed, I let go. But I still felt sad. I left the “mindful” experience feeling distraught. I thought that meditation could save me. If I did it enough or the “right” way, then I could become like those monks who beam with happiness and delight.
It was a learning experience. I have many unrealistic expectations that I must confront and let go of. Meditation does not make the situation more than it is. You won’t feel more happy or sad… you just pay more attention to what you feel. If you feel happy, then you’ll notice that feeling. When it’s gone, you’ll let go.
Meditation since has become difficult because I can’t find a purpose. I know that I need to sit but for what reason? Just because…? I’m afraid that if I let it all in, really experience life wholly, that it won’t feel like enough. I’m scared that I’ll be let down – but that’s the point. Life isn’t entire joy or sadness. It’s a mix of everything. I should really take it in. Even without purpose. I just can’t think of anything I’ve done for no reason or just because. There’s always a reason or a motivation, I just can’t seem to find this one.