I realized that I loved him weeks after saying goodbye. It took me entirely by surprise. One day I woke up and was shocked at how simple it was. Underneath the mixed emotions, I loved him. It was inexplicable – our friendship was marred with so many negative emotions that I couldn’t see it.
Obsession blinded any rational thoughts. I hated that part of myself. I knew I was obsessed but I couldn’t back away from it. He was in everything. I saw him driving around in every car that passed. Someone would make a joke and I could hear his laugh in the background. I found myself laying in bed at the end of the day wanting to ask him what he’s up to and how life has been lately.
I shunned that part of myself in fear that I was being too much. Too forward, too interested, too loving, too serious, too much of something that he wasn’t. I was afraid that if I was more interested in him, he would run away. I wore an iron clad armor to avoid that vulnerability. That armor was made up of an imaginary distance I drew from him.
When he’d text me, sometimes I’d wait to reply. I wanted to give the appearance of being busy. It was too vulnerable for him to know that he was the only thing on my mind. If I appeared busy, then maybe I wouldn’t look as obsessed or so desperately in need of his attention.
It felt like I was cheating the system by being with him. He was too handsome and cool for me. I was afraid I’d be found out. Maybe one day he’d wake up and realize that he could have someone better. It was like I had escaped the rulebook for the type of person I should be with and as soon as the universe caught up with me, I’d lose him.
So I’d play it cool. Make it seem like I didn’t need him.
When he didn’t text back, I’d fret. In my head, it was like he’d figured out that he didn’t need me anymore. Now that desperate part of me that needed him was in shock and there was nothing I could do. I had been found out. The universe was catching up with me.
Then he’d reply and everything was back to normal. The secret was safe. I could still be with him. I could cheat the universe a little longer. As long as I gave the perception that I didn’t need him, he wouldn’t figure it out.
I found myself becoming possessive of him. If we were spending time together and he was on his phone, I would be become upset. When he gave his attention to others, I became jealous he wasn’t focusing on me. I became marred with so many emotions that love seemed like a far-fetched idea.
After I moved, our conversations stopped and the idea that I could be with him ended. What remained was the neurosis. I didn’t know how I felt about him. There was a lot of confusion and feelings of being let down. The obsession took time to dull. Sometimes I still turn and see his car driving by. There’s a glitter of hope that I can be with him even if I live on the other side of the globe.
The last imaginable emotion I thought I could have about him was love. It didn’t even cross my mind. I’d go from being jealous, to blissful, to angry, to on-top-of-the-world, then back down to the pits. I was conscious of how varying my emotions were and I thought that love couldn’t be like this. It couldn’t be marred with such obsession. Love is supposed to be ‘pure’.
They say that love is a mirror and only those brave enough to face their reflection can love another person. My insecurities were exposed in ways I couldn’t have understood before meeting him. I desperately needed to be acknowledged by him. I desperately needed to acknowledge myself.
But you know what? I wouldn’t change any of it. The heartbreak was a lesson. He taught me love in a way that I’m not sure he even understands yet. The rollercoaster of emotion, the sleepless nights, the endless phone calls to friends to assure me that I’m a decent human being… that was all worth it. I grew through it. Life is a learning process and there’s a down for every up. At least I got to experience the highs, even if it meant sinking low.
This post got deeper than I anticipated. Tomorrow we’ll have something lighter for Blogtober. Oh and the title of this comes from my favorite album by the Editors, “The Weight of Love”. If you haven’t heard of them, click here to check them out on Spotify.
Also, check out my cousin Tabby’s blog for the month of BLOGtober. She’s writing about fitness and health for the month. Today she wrote about her leg workout! Currently her husband is deployed and she’s starting a mini-series about what it’s like living with a deployed spouse. Her situation is somewhat unique because both her and her husband serve in the military. They both understand deployments but it’s still difficult. Anyways, keep up with her here.
Day two of BLOGtober!