Identity Crisis

I’m overwhelmed by how great other’s online content is. The internet is such a vast place with master artists. Sometimes it’s hard to create anything because it doesn’t feel good or to the level of quality that I want it to be. When other people are posting great art, why would they want to look at what I have to share?

On a different note, I’ve kept a lot of stuff from the last 5 years. I spent tonight going through 5 terabytes of pictures and files that I’ve collected over the years. The content ranges from old phone pictures to journals I kept when I was traveling through Spain and Denmark.

While it’s nice to be able to reflect through these pictures, sometimes I wonder if it holds me back. It’s convenient to write in retrospect but difficult to write about now and what I’m feeling currently. I’m always wanting a fresh start but I get nostalgic easily and I want to write about the past. I need to get away from that and focus on developing other skills.

I guess I’m realizing how much I complain in my daily life and how I make myself unhappy. My work is never good enough to share and I’m always bitter about my current experiences. I always wish I could rewind 6 months and replay it differently. When I arrived in South Carolina, I wished I could have stayed in Texas. When I was in Texas, there was nothing more that I wanted than to be back in Mississippi with my friends.

Taking it all for granted – that describes me fairly well. I mean, I live in goddam Hawaii and I’m upset about it. Every day I complain about it in someway and speak longingly about Charleston. When will I stop this behavior and move on.

Yet, whenever I try to move on, I find myself looking for a ground. I want to know who I am. When I try to look for my identity, that’s usually when I start reflecting. That’s the trap. When I want to find who I am, I look at who I’ve been. That’s not who I am, that’s the past. It’s gone, done with.

This is a conscious effort to let go of that desire to find who I am. It will always be there but I don’t want to get tangled in it anymore. I tend to resort to negativity. I’m pessimistic about where I am. Which is odd, because this is where I would have wanted to be 5 years ago. I’ve done so many wonderful things with my life. Why am I so deeply unhappy with change?

Anyways, it’s 1 in the morning here and I should probably lay down and relax. I’m waiting for my phone to finish resetting so that I can set an alarm and pass out. HTC, I don’t understand why you take so long to restore. -.-‘

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