I apologize but today’s going to be another ramble. It’s a blog after all. Maybe this week should be called “self-discovery and long personal posts” or something along those lines. You see, I’m having an identity crisis. I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m incredibly conscious of everything but I don’t know what I want or who I want to be. I’m stuck at indecision and I’m stalling my engine out.
Actually, I really like that analogy. Right now I feel as if I’m an engine stalling. Wikipedia describes engine stalls like this:
“[An engine stall] is commonly applied to the phenomenon whereby an engine abruptly ceases operating and stops turning. It might be due to not getting enough air, fuel, or electric spark, mechanical failure, or in response to a sudden increase in engine load.“
Who I am is represented by the engine. Instead of lacking air, fuel, or an electric spark, I’m lacking time, interaction with other people, and resources to expend creativity. I’m choking as a person because I don’t know what to do with what I have. My gears have stopped turning.
There are so many things in front of me now. I could focus on creating a business, specializing in teach and photography. That’s what I truly want to do. I want to be honest and full with myself. A business strategy is to release information slowly so that people come back from more and stay loyal. I do not want this as my model. I do not want to hold information back or teach others slowly.
What I fear is the rudimentary aspects of accomplishing this goal. The most obvious and common fear being defeat. It sounds silly but to go for your dreams is risky. If you don’t make it, what will you fantasize about afterwards? The next rudimentary obstacle is the smaller things like daily dedication. I get off work and I don’t want to work anymore.
If I’m doing something I’m passionate about, it should sustain itself, right?
I can’t imagine using blogging in any other way. This is such a personal and easy way to communicate with others. It’s open forum and free information. There’s a lot of free information out there but I hope to create something different. Maybe my content isn’t unique.
Returning to business, I want to have my photography business. I just don’t know what I can contribute. I can barely take photos anymore and I don’t have the capabilities to edit. I have money to pursue whatever I want but I fear I’ll choose the wrong thing. I could buy Adobe CC but what if I choose to do something else instead? Then I’ll just have wasted my money.
In the end it probably doesn’t matter what I choose. I just need to get my engine cranking again so I can start to move. I need to push out the energy and just fucking do it.
(not the end of frustration)