Tainted Love

When I fall for somebody, I fall head over heels. I don’t fall for many people but when I do I tend to lose myself in them. I fall completely in love with who they are. Not necessarily them, but who they are. When I run across somebody who is interesting I want to know them completely and I want to spend all my time with them. I don’t really know how to say it other than that.

It’s an infatuation I cannot describe. I want to know how a person walks, how their skin feels, how they live their life, how they breath. It’s like a glass of water that you never tire of drinking from. Hopefully that glass is endless but we never know.

The reason I wanted to write this because I wanted to describe it to myself. To put down in words or something I can read and understand. In the last year I’ve fallen for a few people. I’ve been driven out of my life and into theirs. Oddly it seems that every time I get into the flow of things, I fall for somebody.

Perhaps when we’re at our peak, we’re also the most attractive. I would start on all of my projects and really be working at them – and I would also be my happiest. Maybe happiness is the most attractive trait a person can have. When you are doing what you love, you start to love everything. I think that’s what happens in my life.

When I reach my happiest moments and when I feel most satisfied in life, I also tend to love everything. I start to notice the feeling of my skin, what food tastes like, and really hear the depth in sound. It’s like everything in my life becomes invigorated and amplified. I fall more and more in love with everything… and sometimes that includes people around me.

It’s like the perfect storm. When somebody comes swooping in with their interests, I’m going around loving everything and then I love them. I love everybody at these times but I fall more in love with them than anything else. I stop doing my projects, I stop with my mindless wandering, and I focus on them.

I know that’s a silly thing but it’s true. When I fall, I fall hard.

Interestingly enough, I’ve stayed single for four and a half years now. I don’t think I’m afraid of commitment but I think I’m afraid that that glass isn’t going to be endless. Or I reach the end of the glass and I’m just not interested in them anymore. Most people it’s that way – I drink and drink until that person becomes boring. This year it seems that I’ve found more people who I haven’t found the bottom of their glass.

The obvious solution when you have problems like this is to stay away from people. To figure things out for yourself. That’s what I’m going to do for a while. Put myself first and find that long-standing happiness. If somebody else comes along they can join me but I need to focus on these projects. I can’t keep giving up what gives me satisfaction in my life.

180/365

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s