The Rain Will Wash it Away

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Defining yourself and those around you can bring a sort of sharpness to your life. It can create groups by which you can organize your friends. It can make you able to dissect motives behind why people do things. But it cannot bring you happiness.

Happiness is found when the definition is blurred or erased between everyone. When this group is no longer different from the next. This lack of contrast brings joy because you realize the completeness of everything. When you say that this group is distinct, you eliminate its connection to other groups. You set it apart.

The dangerous part isn’t defining everyone else, it is defining yourself. When I label myself an artist, I eliminate the possibility of possessing non-artistic qualities. When I say that I go into one group, I take on it’s qualities, whether or not they fit me.

Today I ran into a coworker at dinner, and we sat down and talked for the first time. Because I’m so new here, I don’t know very many things about everyone else and they don’t know anything about me. Very quickly another coworker came over to our table (who was friends with the first one) and started talking about having gotten drunk over the weekend. He asked me if I was married or had a girlfriend or anything. I said no. Then the original guy said to me, “you’re gay, right?”.

Before I came here, I wrote about how I wanted to move here and just leave myself label-less for a while. I wanted to live here and not have to deal with all the incessant questions and snap-judgments that people apply. Now it’s known to me that the people I work with have already fixed a label to me.

I wanted that lack of contrast for a while. Where I don’t have to define things for other people and can just be however I am. Not gay, not straight, not anything. Just am. It’s not that I have any problems with gay people, I just want to remove this definition from everyone else. I don’t want to be seen as part of a different crowd. Or have people will change their conversations around me to filter themselves now.

My mind immediately goes to the beach, where any lines of division in the sand will be washed away by rain. It’s been raining all day and maybe this division is only in my head. I suppose only time will tell.

106/365

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